Dear reader,
I’ve been working hard this year to think about my silly little art job as just my J-O-B, and the days that make it feel silly and little (like yesterday as you will soon see) as what I have worked hard for for all the years I have been doing this. This has been hard to do, the constant feeling of disbelief that I get to make art as a job and the feeling that to do that successfully I should be suffering and toiling away constantly because capitalism and the way I was raised and the world in general is a hard one for me to release. If I am not working constantly to maintain it and grow it am I ungrateful for this rare and fleeting thing?
Maybe if you, too, are in the trenches of a silly little art job, you will know that sometimes it just feels fake. It will feel fake even when it is your sole source of income and you have two dear sweet employees. It will feel fake even when you know by all the numbers and tax forms you don’t understand that This is a Real Job. It will feel fake because nothing in our world makes it seem like you could possibly love your job or that you can be so lucky to have a job that pays your bills and lets you sit in the sun all afternoon on a random Monday. I am so lucky, yes, and I have worked so hard to get here. It is both. Someday we will talk about it.
Here is the day that got me thinking about all of this.
Yesterday morning I woke up at 7, I had finished my book the night before so instead of my usual morning reading I opened my computer and looked at facebook marketplace (classic) while I waited for the kettle. I made a list for the day and I made tea and I made breakfast.
The list:
design the june patreon patch (it is june after all)
carve the june patreon patch
go into town and get linen for the patreon patch and for two other patches cause Mia is coming tomorrow and we have to have the linen cut and ready
also in town, go to bank go to library for new book go to goodwill go to restore and look for a sink and go to the grocery store to get strawberries
cut the linen for patches
post a photo of a new print on the internet.
take a photo or video of the new patreon print to post on the internet later
pay outstanding bill from accountant because somehow autopay never actually got set up and they just emailed you that you are months behind. thankfully they are also months behind so it’ll be okay.
vacuum house
clean studio desk for Mia tomorrow.
mow the lawn
work on the calendar for at least two hours if there is time leftover
But instead the day looked like this:
I drew the same thing three times for patreon and they all were kinda wretched.
opened pinterest to look at victorian knitting instructions for said patch inspiration and got distracted by this font you can download that was
downloaded the font, learned how to upload it to squarespace and spent an hour updating my website to include it. I am actually really happy I did this because my website needed some TLC.
Spent an hour and a half on the phone with the power company and my community solar thingy because turns out CMP calling you and telling you your power is about to shut off really sounds like a scam especially if you are definitely paying a power bill to someone, but actually might not be, LOL.
Put my mower battery on the charger cause WHEW folks we have power
got a call, spent the afternoon with people I love, in the sun welcoming in June in the simplest and most perfect ways: greenhouse showers, the ocean, ice cream.
did go to town, did buy linen for the patch and did get a new book.
got home, carved the patreon patch and it was so ugly I’m going to scrap the idea entirely and try to carve something else. That happens sometimes.
Liana came over and we got a pizza and sat in the yard and talked about running our tiny businesses and it was very healing for a day where I feel like I totally struck out work-wise. I love my friends and I’m grateful to have friends who are also in the silly little art job boat.
Wrote half of this newsletter.
Yeah so. My instinct is to say that Monday was a wash, and but what is Tuesday for the hopelessly self-employed if not another chance at Monday. But really, yesterday was okay. I did some things that needed to get done, and if I push the guilt aside the day filled up my heart real good and I needed that as much as anything. It is such a luxury to have built a job that can be like that. I wish for everyone to find that balance and rhythm, but maybe without the tax forms of chronic self employment. I would also like for everyone who does what they love and figures out how to make ends meet thusly, myself included, to feel less guilt about their jobs. To release all that pressure if you can. How do you do it? Is that even really possible?
Now I’m going to go try to carve that patreon patch again. Cut that linen. Clean the desk. Pay the accountant. Everything that needs to get done will get done. Somehow we can do it all and hold it all, I hope.
Thank you for making this job of mine a J-O-B. Couldn’t do it without you and I am Oh So Grateful.
Yours truly,
-guilty about loving her job
xx
It is true bliss to know how real & genuine you are! It comes thru in your words and in your art, and that is why it is so loved! Glad you got to eat pizza and sit in the sun!!
I don't always read my email, but I do enjoy getting your newsletter. Your photos and words are so lovely! Thank you! Enjoying our calendar tea towel!